How to tell if your next door neighbour is a spy
• He/she doesn’t speak unless spoken to.
• Makes no effort to make the house attractive or homely (but all techy inside).
• Makes phone calls from the bottom of the garden, in a car, or from a man cave, at any hour of the day or night (generally ex military).
• Has mastered the art of being faceless – if you were asked to give the police a physical description, you would struggle.
• Never ventures a political opinion on any subject – definitely, a dead giveaway (but, could lean to the right).
• Speaks suspiciously good English, like the villain in a spy film (but can be colloquial, means he/she is a handler or a hitter).
• Clams up when asked about plans for Christmas/summer holidays or a meet at the local bar / pub.
• Has never been heard to laugh – humorlessness is one of the hallmarks of a spy (laughs at every-ones jokes loaded with some sarcasm).
• Couldn’t name a single member of the England football team (change name of team for your own country).
Finally, they will own a “PO BOX” (postman will only ever deliver flyers, could be local or 100 clicks away).